Everyone knows that kids’ lives are supposed to be chock full of fun, creative, inspiring activities that hone their developing brains and allow their spirits to blossom like the vegetables you accidentally leave in the crisper for three weeks.
But what are moms really thinking during some of these tedious, I mean, delightful activities?
1. Reading favorite books
Reading the same book over and over is totally developmentally appropriate. You’ve read that everywhere. You’ve read it at least as often as you’ve read “Goodnight Moon,” which is to say, 1,673 times. This week. Whatever! No biggie, who cares if your brain cells die.
2. Play Doh
If you’re anywhere on the Type A spectrum, for some reason, mixing Play Doh colors is like nails on a chalkboard to you. I mean, you literally JUST BOUGHT them all the new colors on a special trip to Target that took only, you know, 3 hours, because you brought all three kids with you. And now it’s all purplish gray, like the bruise you’ll get on your head when you bash it into the table trying to clean up all the Doh bits from the floor later.
3. Pretend play
Even the most loyal pretend-play companion can’t always be Olaf. Or Sven. Why don’t moms ever get to be Elsa? That is NOT FAIR.
Yeah, okay, making cookies is fun. It’s a real mother-child bonding experience. Here’s the issue, though. No mother can, in good conscience, stuff their kids with an entire batch of sugar cookies just to get rid of them. And if they sit around your house for more than two days, guess what you’re going to be snacking on while you’re watching The Bachelorette? Hint: it’s not carrot sticks.
Everyone knows singing and dancing with your kids is fun and it gets everyone up and moving. But you know what, Baby Beluga can only be heard 25 times by a sane adult before that adult becomes, well, not sane. From now on, Mommy’s only playing dance party if we listen to Coldplay.
Games for little kids are boring. Yup, that is the cold, hard truth. These include Candyland, Old Maid, Chutes and Ladders, and Jenga. You know what’s not boring? Scrabble. Or beer pong. So come back when you can read or drink, kids. Preferably both.
7. Hair salon
Don’t touch Mommy’s head, you yell in your mind as you submit to another “braid.” Mommy was having a pretty good hair day until you descended upon her like Frenchie in Grease. Hair is the only thing that looks good on me nowadays, DON’T MESS IT UP.
After mixing Play-Doh, the next most annoying thing to watch is children snapping crayons in half for no reason. And then do you think they play with the two halves? Even though their hands aren’t even big enough to need more than half a crayon to hold? Hell no, because that would make sense.
9. Dress up
It’s so cute to snap a picture of your little girl playing dress up. Don’t think about the fact that she’s going to get your only remaining pair of nice date night shoes all dirty. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, don’tthinkaboutit AAAAH! Take them off now!
Horsie and other rough housing games are not your forte, but you want to be fun, right? Right? Oh look, there’s Daddy. Guess you’ll let him do horsie instead of you this one time!